Monday, November 16

Zombie Contingency Plan

My younger brother is probably one of the world's number one Zombie experts. I say this because he has already drawn up a Zombie contingency plan, which is actually pretty good and has had a lot of thought put into it. While I am seriously concerned about his growing paranoia, when the zombies do come (which he promises me, will happen) I will be prepared and may survive (I say may because the cocky always die first). Or at least, I may survive until the second decimation, that is, when I will probably end up committing suicide.

So for those of you who wish to live when the zombies come here is a brief summery of his Zompocolypse Survival Plan 0.1 (he refuses to let me release his updated 2.0 version because "an influx of people tagging along could be the doom of us all")
Before we begin I should point out my brother uses a lot of slang for the zombies, this may include Z's, Zed Heads and Zacks

This is only a brief summary, the full Contingency Plan (involving plans for
multiple types of zombies, maps, where to find weapons, supplies caches etc) is
still in development.

The Zombies: This initial part of the contingency plan is dealing with typical shambling zombies, probably the ones depicted by Max Brookes or George A. Romero (minus the intelligent one). Further Contingency Plans will be made to deal with fast, rabid, smart, return-of-the-living-dead zombies. We shall also assume that due to the geopolitical environment the zombies have amassed into numbers significant enough to threaten humanity.

Weapons: Our main weapon will be the Steyr-AUG; all of us having the same weapon will make it far easier to supply the correct ammunition in quantity. We also want a uniform pistol. A friend suggests the Five-Seven for the high number of rounds it can hold, its armour piercing rounds (which probably won’t be that useful unless we encounter other survivors or armoured Z’s), it is not that common in Australia but is used in quantity in the U.S. and other parts of the world, it is also ambidextrous [I'm left handed, so this comment by my brother is directed at me.] We also want at least one Sniper Rifle to thin the ranks of incoming Zed Heads, The Steyr-AUG can potentially fill this role however. At least one shotgun for close quarters combat. I haven’t researched shotguns so I’m not sure what will be the best(auto-shot guns are n00b c4nnon5 but will they expend to much ammo to quickly, what is their availability) I have decided an RPG will be to cumbersome and dangerous in the hands of an untrained civilian and have thrown that idea out of the window. However, the Steyr-AUG can be equipped with a grenade launcher. I will need to debate upon the usefulness and dangers of this. The weapons we’ll have to use before we can get our hands on these will have to be civilian owned hunting rifles. It is also relatively easy to make your own basic firearms out of household materials (yes, there are guides on the Internet).

Plan: So far we seem to have two main plans. One, go a near by army base and pray to God that the government is smart enough to turn it into a refugee camp but dumb enough not to initiate some form of the Redeker Plan*. The second is barricading us in a pool, filling it with supplies and electrifying the fence. This doesn’t need to be a pool. An electric fence around a two story house with stairs destroyed and an attic stocked full of supplies. The main danger there is accidentally causing a fire. We’ll need a generator, a massive rain tank, a vegetable garden (hopefully) and solar panels. It is important that we have stashes of food already at our safe-house as rioting and looting will quickly destroy shopping centres and they will be raided of all food they contain.

* Redeker Plan: A theoretical plan where the government sets up designated refugee zones with only basic military protection to divert, slow down or distract Zack while the main military can set up base and prepare to counter-attack. It is likely that a significant amount of the designated refugee zones will be overrun and the inhabitants killed.

Notes: It is general consensus by the Zombie Survival community that the main dangers, in order from most dangerous to least are:
1. Other Survivors
2. Lack of Water
3. Lack of Food
4. Zombies
So don’t hesitate to shoot, even if you can’t tell if it’s already dead. Also, those who have read this and laughed, “Ha, zombies, yeah right!” I’d like to bring up a true story:
Hurricane Katrina ravaged Louisiana, killing 1577 people. Bridges were destroyed, nearly one million people were left powerless. Many people were stranded in the city or caught in traffic. Petrol stations were running out of fuel and so were cars. Some people had decided to seek refuge inside the Superdome with hundreds of other refugees. The situation inside the building was described as “chaotic; reports of rampant drug use, fights, rape, and filthy living conditions were widespread. At the time, as many as 100 were reported to have died in the Superdome, with most deaths resulting from heat exhaustion, but other reported incidents included an accused rapist who was beaten to death by a crowd and an apparent suicide”. And then there was a group of 13 Zombie Survivalists who were way out in front of the crowds, safe and sound from the Hurricane, sleeping quietly in their designated safe-house.

See my brother's true story, that just proves he's paranoid. But either way, lets be prepared for when the zombies come.

11 comments:

  1. This was hilarious! I need to get a zombie survival kit ready. You never know when they will strike... :D

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  2. Don't let my brother know you think it's funny, Zella, he's very serious about the whole thing.

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  3. Say! This is quite comprehensive. Although I must contest with your brother that the best handheld weapon would be a Skorpion. Besides being very deadly, it also has a truly cool-sounding name which sends zombies running at full speed.
    Thanks for sharing, Penguins!

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  4. The Škorpion vz. 61? My main problem with a SMG is that it can easily waste ammo (although the Skorpion fires considerably less than most other SMGs) so you'd need to use the semi-automatic function on the M84A. Also, what's the avaliablity of this gun. You can't prepare for a Zompocolypse when you won't be able to get your hands on the gun you need. That's what I'm thinking anyway. I'm sure my brother will have much to say about it too.

    Oh, and Skorpion is an awesome name. Although I don't think zombies are capable of comprehending its fearfulness.

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  5. Oh they are. The scream when they hear its name. In fact, the best part is that all you have to do is hide your hand under your shirt in a way that looks like there's a gun under there and say "Watch out, zombies! I've got a SKORPION!"
    And have you ever heard zombies scream? It sounds like a toilet full of silly putty being flushed. It's truly amazing.
    This gun is not readily available, but I have connections. I could always get it. Ahem, don't ask me who.
    Thanks for following my blog!

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  6. Hmm, you sound pretty confident, Scott, and you know what my brother says: the cocky always die first. I just hope that Skorpion really can save you.
    And I don't know how well a Skorpion would hide under your shirt, aren't they about 50cm? You're lucky zombies have decaying brains or they'd never believe your hand under your shirt was a gun.

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  7. Hi, I'm Penguins Quack's brother and I'm glad you all enjoyed 0.1.
    Zellakate- You should! It is of utmost importance to be prepared. Max Brookes' "Zombie Survival Guide" is a good start, but remember that it only deals with ONE type of zombie.
    @ Scott Free- "which sends zombies running at full speed" This made me laugh, "Oh no! They're slowly shambling away! Get them!" A skorpion is good because of how compact it is, but I don't think I would have the self control to not waste ammo with an automatic weapon. As for your contacts, perhaps I could meet them at the docks, around midnight. I will be wearing a blood red feather and have a distinguishable candle.

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  8. Ah, yes, zombie's full speeds aren't so high, are they? If they owned cars, I'm sure they'd all be Oldsmobiles that couldn't hit over 20 mph.
    You're right, you might go out of control with the Skorpion and just start shooting everybody--which wouldn't be bad, I suppose, I mean, survival of the fittest...get 'em before the zombies do, sort of thing...
    Yes, the docks are good they say. They will be driving a blue hovercraft with the license plate 'SKRPINZRUL.'

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  9. A zombie in a car is called a zoom-bie: the driving dead.
    @ O'malley, I like the Golem's Eye reference. Best trilogy ever (suck it LotR)
    Look, can I join you on the docks? I want a skorpion too. If so, I'll be the suspicious looking one in the dracula costume.

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