Friday, August 20

When I'm an Old Woman...

Hi all! *Penguins looks around at all the skeletons occupying the room* ...Hmm... Maybe I was away on hiatus for a little longer than I expected...

But I'm back now! (Hopefully).

I've been very busy this past month getting ready to start university. I'm at college now and I've had my orientation week and my first week of classes. I've been hanging out with all the international students from America, sitting on the edge of my seat the whole way through my Cultural Heritage lecture and drinking a lot of hot chocolates from the incredible coffee machine in my college lobby.

I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but have been very slow at getting around to it. My inspiration for this post came from this brilliant poem by Jenny Joseph. I'm pretty keen to be the same type of old woman as her.

Warning - When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

  • I'll tell it as it is. Ask me for my opinion and you'll get my honest opinion. Even if you don't ask, you're likely to get my honest opinion.
  • I'll wear clothes that haven't been fashionable since before I was born, just because they're comfortable.
  • My hair will be white but always with an inexplicable shade of blue or purple.
  • My walking stick will be your worst enemy, second only to my wit (Assuming I get more witty with age)
  • Since I never drank in my youth I will drink like my life depends on it.
  • I will wear leather and go to rock concerts and then complain that the music is too loud.
  • I will steal pens from the bank, even if this means I need wire-cutters.
  • I will forget to turn my hearing aid on and loose my glasses on the top of my head, and then ignore you when you try and help me or tell me what I've done wrong.
  • I'll stand too close to paintings at the art galley and flirt with the guards when they try to remove me.
  • I'll hog the swing set at the children's playground and use my grandchildren as an excuse to participate in the kids activities at the museum.
  • I will complain about "kids these days" and how it was never like that in my youth, even though it was.
  • I'll spend all day in bed reading large print books.
  • I will find Mills and Boon's great literature.
  • I will apply for jobs at fast food restaurants and get fired for being vulgar to the customers.
  • ‎Like Chandler says in Friends: "If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies! Kids won't walk past my place, they will run. 'Run away from Crazy Snake Man!' they'll shout"

All in all, I'll be an obnoxious old lady. How about you?