Monday, February 28

No Story Saturday. Again.

This is just a quick post to tell you all how sorry I am that there isn't going to be any Story Saturday for two weeks in a row. Last Saturday I was visiting my amazing friend, Lara Lou (who featured in the last few stories), for her birthday and this coming Saturday I am going to be on a Field study at a heritage mining site.
Hopefully this break means that I'll actually put some proper work into the story and be a little organised.
When I finally do write it, it is going to be a Superhero themed Choose-Your-Way adventure in short installments over several days. Thus far I am planning roles for Zella, Till Hammerette and the Chairman, who weren't in the last story, and Laura, who only vaguely featured.
Since it's choose-your-way-adventure here's how it's going to work (if all works out well):
  • At the end of each installment each character will be faced with a choice.
  • EVERYONE can vote on what each character will do
  • You will tell me your choice in the comments
  • the person who the character is BASED ON will have their vote counted for two.
If all works out well and I don't have anything else crop up, I will have the story for you on the 12th.

Saturday, February 19

Story Saturday: Part Two of the Zompocalypse

This is part two of the Zompocalyse. If you haven't read part one, it's the previous post.

It had been four days since the rag-tag team of plucky survivors had come together and had fled from O’Malley’s dilapidated house. For four days they had been on the run, pursued by hordes of the undead. The group had taken refuge in an abandoned Starbucks but they were running low on ammunition and it wouldn’t be long before their defences gave way.

Penguins guarded the window while Pieman kept watch over the front entrance. Donut had found his way onto the roof through a hole in the ceiling and had positioned himself as sniper and look out. O’Malley took residence in the centre of the store, diligently preparing Molotov Cocktails for when they would make their escape. Tom and Lara Lou had gone out for supplies hours earlier and were yet to return.

Donut’s voice drifted down to the others through the ceiling “Well, we're standing by here at Zombie-Watch '11 headquarters, and we've had some pretty big developments - ,”

“Shut up, Donut.” Pieman interrupted. He was getting sick of Donut’s constant commentary on the situation.

“The Zombie Alert Level has been raised from yellow to orange,” Donut continued, “indicating an 'elevated' chance of zombie-related incidents - ,”

“Shut UP, Donut.” Penguins spoke in unison with Pieman.

“...and we've just gone to ZombieCon 2, the second highest level of zombie preparedness. The atmosphere is tense and highly charged as we all anxiously await word - ,”

“SHUT UP, DONUT!” O’Malley shouted in harmony with Pieman and Penguins.

For a few moments Donut was silent, but it didn’t last long. “There’s someone approaching!” he yelled down to his friends, “I think its Tom and Lara! But they’re being pursued.”

Lara stumbled and fell. The box of supplies she was carrying spilt onto the ground. Tom stopped and ran back for her. “Come on, Lara, we’ve got to hurry! The zombies are after us.” He grabbed her hand and tried to hurl her to her feet.

“My ankle…” Lara clung to Tom’s arm as he helped her towards their hideout as quickly as he could manage. “I’m sorry.” Lara collapsed as they reached the door to the building. “I can’t. I’ll slow you all down.”

“No! It’ll be fine.” Tom protested, “If we just get you inside…”

“And then what?” She argued, “The zombies will break in eventually and I’ll end up getting you all killed. No. You’ve got to go. Get everyone away from here.”

Tom tried to object but Lara tore open the door and pushed Tom inside, slamming it behind him. “I’m sorry, everyone.” She wiped her eyes and drew her pistol. “We’ll meet again when this is all over. I swear.”

She fired several shots towards the zombie hordes. “Come on Zombies! Follow me!” Lara hobbled away from the building hiding her friends leading the zombies with her. It was obvious that she didn’t have enough bullets, her aim wasn’t good enough, and that she was moving too slow…

“Guys, we’ve got to go.” Tom recovered from Lara’s heroics in time to take command.

“Okay.” Pieman nodded, “Penguins, clear that back window. We’ll go out through there.” Pieman glanced between Tom and the empty space beside him. “Where’s Lara?”

“I… I…” Tom bit his lip. “I couldn’t convince her to come. She… She’s buying us time…”

“I’m sure you did everything you could.” Pieman comforted him, “Lets not let her effort be in vain.”

“Yes, you‘re right.” Tom nodded. “O’Malley? Are those Molotov Cocktails ready yet?”

“What?” O’Malley seemed defensive, “I’m not sharing my cocktails with you.”

“O’Malley, if we’re going to get out of this we need to work together.” Tom grabbed one of the cocktails away from O’Malley. “Wait a minute… this is empty?” Tom grabbed the other cocktails and looked in them. “They’re all empty! What have you been doing?” O’Malley burped loudly. “Oh my God! Did you drink these?” Tom couldn’t believe he knew someone so dumb.

“We’ll just have to do without explosives.” Pieman dragged Tom towards the back window before he could murder O’Malley. Penguins and Donut were already waiting outside. “Come on, we’ve got to run.” Tom urged his friends forward, “we can’t let Lara’s sacrifice be in vain.”

“Wait a minute…” Donut stopped. “Where’s O’Malley?”

The group looked around, puzzled. Far behind them they saw O’Malley standing mere feet away from the approaching zombie hordes, drunk and completely oblivious. Penguins screamed, trying to grab his attention while Donut tried to run back for him but Pieman restrained him. When O’Malley finally did look over at them he only gave them a drunken wave.

Donut broke free of Pieman’s hold and ran towards him friend. “No! Donut, don’t!” Pieman pursued the boy.

As the first zombie reached O’Malley tears began to roll down Penguins face. O’Malley didn’t even react when the zombie grasp him shoulder, responding with a polite “hello” and withdrawing a cigar which he drunkenly lit. Being pulled into the midst of the zombie horde, he pressed the cigar to his mouth and took a deep breath in.

The cigar sparked and one spark was drawn down O’Malley’s windpipe where it meet some of the cocktail O’Malley had consumed only moments before; the Molotov cocktail made of petrol.

O’Malley instantly exploded in violent (yet epic) slow motion. The explosion ripped through nearby zombies and ignited a conveniently located petrol station with the resulting explosion knocking down buildings, blocking the zombies’ path.

Pieman grabbed Donut and threw him to the ground, using his own body as a shield to protect Donut. As the explosion ripped through Pieman’s body one thing was certain: O’Malley was dead and Pieman’s life also stood in the balance.

“Pieman! Are you alright?” Penguins ran towards her friend. Pieman was bleeding badly and covered in server burns.

“I… I can’t go on.”

“No, Pieman! Pull yourself together man!” Tom was helping Donut to his feet.

“I can’t.” Pieman said weakly. “My legs have been blown right off.”

“Oh…” Tom winced. “Uh. Why don’t you, uh… You wait here.” He awkwardly patted Pieman on the top of the head and began to walk away, leading Penguins and Donut with him.

“Wait a minute!” Pieman called after them, “You can’t just leave me here! I’m still alive, you know!”

“You’ll just slow us down!” Tom picked up a rock and threw it behind him.

“Ah! My face! O’Malley was right when he called you the jerk!” Tom picked up another rock and lopped it towards Pieman. “Ha! You missed!” Pieman called.

“Wait here.” Tom told Donut and Penguins before heading back towards Pieman. There was a loud thump, crunching of bone. Tom returned covered in blood.

“Sweet merciful crap! What the Hell did you just do?” Penguins freaked.

“It was for the good of the group.” Tom told her.

“For the good of the group?! You just killed Pieman!”

“He would have slowed us down, then we would all be dead.”

“What makes you think you get to make that decision? Who made you the leader?” Penguins stuck out her chin, defiantly. “Maybe I should make my own group. I’d lead it properly.”

“Your own group? Huh!” Tom had never heard anything more ridiculous.

Days ago you didn’t even know there was a zombie apocalypse going on! Throughout this whole ordeal have you once done anything constructive? In fact, have you ever, in your whole entire life, done anything worth doing?” Tom turned to Donut. “Now, if you want a level headed, logical leader who will help us survive, follow me. Otherwise, you can go with this fool here and piss off!”

“Right-o.” Donut turned and walked away.

“Well?” Tom turned back to Penguins.

“Well what?”

“Are you going to leave already?” Tom asked her with frustration.

“No... I want the logical, surviving leader option. I’m staying with you!”

“Ugh!” Tom facepalmed.

Somehow Tom and Penguins had found their way to a military encampment. Although now abandoned, the place was loaded with weapons and ammunition. It was a good thing too, as the duo had just become engaged in the greatest battle of their lives.

Millions of zombies surrounded the defenses and were climbing over the barricades but Tom and Penguins were armed to the teeth.

“Die zombies!” Tom screamed, firing rounds into the zombies. “I am not your worst nightmare. I am your EVERY nightmare.”

Do you really think zombies dream?” Penguins frowned.

“Uh…” Tom decided to ignore the question, “Quick, fall back to the next perimeter! I’ll man the MG. Get the flamethrower.

The two fell back, leaping over a waist high concrete barrier. After emptying the clip, Tom threw his useless rifle into the zombie and manned a machine gun. Penguins suited up in flame thrower gear and started laying into the zombies, spewing fire into the zombie ranks, demolishing them but on the heroes flank, a wire fence is pushed down and zombies began to spill into this area of the fortifications.

“Pull back Penguins! I’ll cover you!” Tom swings the machine gun to face the zombies and begins to fire into them, the machine gun jams. “Penguins! You gotta pull back! My guns jammed! They’re coming!” but Penguins couldn’t hear her friend’s urgent calls.

Tom tried to leap over the sandbags in front of his Machine Gun to get to Penguins, but tripped over an ammunition belt. As he pulled himself up he was in time to see the zombies close in around Penguins.

A zombie reached out to bite her but its head exploded in a shower of blood and bone. The other zombies around her quickly suffered the same fate leaving Penguins amidst the debris, her face painted with shock.

Tom looked about to see who or what had saved Penguins. A figure stepped through the smoke wielding a Tesla cannon.

“Pieman?” Penguins asked.

“Don’t worry, Penguins. I’ll get you out of this mess.” Pieman nodded to the Damsel in Distress.

“Pieman?!” Tom couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Pieman turned to look at him. “Oh. It’s you.”

“Pieman! Ha!” Tom cheered. “The old gang is getting back together again! We might just get through this yet, Penguins!”

“What do you mean by ’we’?” Pieman replied spitefully. “You left me to die in the cold. Bleeding to death. You threw a rock at me. You stamped on my throat. There is no we.”

“Ha, ha...” Tom chuckled nervously “That was in the past though, we need each other... you know that, safety in numbers... I have stacks of food and ammunition. When that thing-“ he pointed to Pieman’s Tesla cannon, “runs out of power you’ll need me.”

Pieman scoffed. “The Tesla cannon is powered by epicness. It runs itself.” He stepped forward and wrapped his arm around Penguins waist, “Much like my jetpack.”

His jetpack bursts to life and flies him and Penguins away, leaving Tom all by himself.

“Oh, Pieman!” Penguins swooned. “Have my babies!”

“I can’t believe it’s going to end like this.” Tom cried “All alone. No one around me.” He checked his clip. One bullet left. The zombies had closed in around him and he couldn’t reach the mass supplies of ammunition, only metres away. He collapsed to the ground, sobbing, and pressed the gun beneath his chin.

Somewhere, a distant beeping started up and grew louder and louder. Tom lifted his head to see that every single zombie had stopped being zombie-ish and were checking their watches.

“What?” Tom wasn’t sure what was going on. The zombies started milling around and talking to each other. Sharing pats on the back and hi fiving each. “What?!” The zombies continued to congratulated themselves and one of them walked over to Tom, it was his old friend, Laura.

“Ha ha! You should have seen the look on your face!” She laughed, obviously no longer a zombie.


“Flash mob, dude.” Laura told him. “Didn’t you get the memo?”


“Um... you know a flashmob. Where people do something suddenly. We all pretended to be zombies...”

“What?” Tom was still confused “But zombies, they took over the Earth...”

“Oh no, see, that was just the Flash Mob. It’s all pretend see.”

“Pretend? But I’ve been travelling for months, living off rats,blowing zombies to bits with guns.”

“No no, you weren’t really shooting zombies. It’s pretend you see.”

“But I shot real guns at real zombies! People died! My friends, they really died!”

“Uh, no. Pretend. Seriously, what doesn’t this guy get?” Laura shook her head.

O’Malley walked up beside Laura, “Oh, hi Tom. Enjoying the fla-“

“What!?” Tom screamed “You exploded! Into millions of pieces. I saw it with my own eyes.”

O’Malley looked confused. “Don’t worry O’Malley, he just doesn’t understand that this was all pretend.” Laura informed him.


“Hey guys.” Penguins and Pieman walked over, followed by Lara, her limp miraculously cured. Tom was lost for words. “That was awesome.” Pieman hi fived O’Malley.”

“Bu- but the horrors…” Tom stuttered. “The things I’ve been through. Why?! Why?! Why do this to me? Why!?”

Pieman shook his head. “Sometimes, my friend, for the lulz is a perfectly valid reason.

Featured in this is Lara Lou, Tom, Pieman, Donut, O'Malley and Laura

Next week's will be delayed for a few days as I'll be out of town for Lara Lou's birthday but according to the poll it looks like it's going to have a Superhero Choose-your-way Adventure. This means it's going to go over a few weeks and you get to pick your actions at the ending of each segment. Alternatively, I'll do shorter segments and do one a day. Tell me what you think.

Saturday, February 12

Story Saturday: Part One of the Zompocalypse

This story is based on a comic my brother O'Malley and I wrote and I illustrated (with stick figures) I've had to adapt it a bit by O'Malley still gets a lot of credit for this. Also, this is only the first part. Expect the second part next week.

No one expected it, no one saw it coming, some had tried to fight it, fight them, but they had failed. Small bands of survivors roamed the Earth, fighting for food, fighting for shelter, fighting to survive.

A rag-tag band of survivors nervously scurried down the street. The leader of the group, a young man, turned back to his two companions and waved for them to hurry up, “Come on guys, we have to at least check.” His name was Tom and it was only luck that he and his companions, Pieman and Lara Lou had survived.

“This is O’Malley we’re talking about.” Pieman shook her head. “What are the chances of him surviving when he’s always passed put on the floor?”

Lara agreed with Pieman, “I don’t like this. What if he’s infected?”

Tom didn’t respond. They had come to a stop outside a dilapidated house, with smashed windows, burnt out car bodies in the driveway, a lawn with grass that could reach a man’s shoulder and the roof falling in. “This is it.” Tom nodded towards the house.”

“It looks like the zombies got here before us.” Lara bit her lip.

“No... This is how it always is.” Tom approached the front door cautiously, knocked nervously, and waited anxiously.

“No one home?” Pieman asked.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” Lara was uneasy. “We’ll check on Penguins. And then Donut,” she added, “We should check on him too. Does anyone know where he is?”

Pieman’s face went dark and far away thunder crashed. “No. No one knows where Donut is.”

Tom wasn’t paying any attention to their conversation. He turned the doorhandle, finding it unlocked, and went inside. Lara looked apprehensively between the open door and the empty street. The sounds of soft groans could be heard in the distance. Pieman put a hand on Lara’s shoulder. “It’s safer inside then out.”

Loud metalcore blasted as O’Malley discharged a round of machine gun fire at a group of zombies. “Die zombies! Die!” O’Malley grabbed out duel Uzis and blasted a group of zombies, achieving headshots each time. A zombie lunged out to bite O’Malley, only to receive a grenade in its mouth. “You just got pwnd!” O’Malley shouted as the zombie exploded. He emptied his akimbo glocks into even more zombies before resorting to his katana, decapitating zombies left and right.

Tom, Pieman and Lara stared at O’Malley in disbelief. He was sitting on his living room floor playing a video game. The floor around him was littered in empty bottles of beer, vodka, whisky, and even one bottle of mentholated spirits. “Boom! Headshot!” O’Malley cried.

“Uh… O’Malley?” Tom caught O’Malley’s attention.

“Oh, hey guys!” O’Malley replied without looking up from his game, “You’re just in time to see me pwn some Z Heads! What’s up anyways? It’s strange for you all to drop by.”

There was more staring in disbelief. “Uh…” Lara wasn’t entirely sure what to say, “Have you been outside... uh... at all... in like... three weeks?”

“Um... sure. I went outside, uh... ROCKET WHORE! When was comic-con on again?” O’Malley replied, distracted by his game.

“That was last June!”

“Yeah, then.”

“It’s February”

The door swung open dramatically and the group sprung to their feet, ready for some action. Instead their friend, Penguins, stepped through the doorway. “Sweet Merciful Crap!” she cried, “What the hell is going on outside?”

“At least someone has noticed.” Lara said to Pieman, dryly.

“How long has it been since you mowed your lawn!” Penguins asked and Lara facepalmed.

Tom was beginning to wonder how he had such stupid and ignorant friends. “Listen for a minute!” He said, exasperated, “Outside zom-“

“BAM! SLAUGHTERED!” O’Malley interrupted.

“We’re in the midst of a zompo-“

“Mow your lawn, cock bite.” Penguins slapped the back of O’Malley’s head.

“There are friggin’ zombies outside!” Tom screamed.

O’Malley jumped to his feet, so excited he forgot to pause his game. “Quick! We need to initiate zombie contingency plan 11.5 Beta 3.0. I’ll start by assigning roles.” O’Malley straightened his shirt in a way that he thought made him look professional. “Lara, you’ll be Helpless Female. Penguins you’ll be-“

“Final Girl!” Penguins cheered.

“Pfft.” O’Malley dismissed the idea, “You’re the helpless female who dies at the beginning. You can die in a shower scene.”

“Hey-“ Penguins tried to protest.

“As for me,” O’Malley continued “I’ll be the super leet hacker zombie expert. And if Left for Dead taught me anything it’s that groups must be made up of four main characters.”

“... But there are five of us...”

O’Malley withdrew a shotgun and pointed it at Tom, his eyes dead serious. “Four. Main. Characters.”

Lara hit O’Malley over the back of the head. “Put that away.”

"What are the prerequisites for this four man team?” Tom muttered. “That you be f@#%ing insane?"

O’Malley apologised and lowered the gun. “Well, if we’re going to have more than four people we’re going to need to do it. We’ve got to…” O’Malley paused dramatically, “Defrost Donut.”

“No way! It’s too soon!” Pieman was horrified. “Are you insane?”

“Sanity is for the weak!” O’Malley cried. “It is the only way!” He walked over to a picture hanging on the wall and he took it down to reveal a wall safe. Opening the safe, he typed a thirteen digit code into a number pad, causing the wall to slide apart revealing a high tech laboratory. O’Malley cut his hand with a knife and a let a drop of blood fall onto a platen. There was a whir and a cryogenic chamber housing Willy rose from the laboratory floor.

“Weird…” Lara breathed.

The glass door of the chamber defrosted and the door opened. Donut jumped out “WATZAAAP!!!”

“Yo! How you been?” O’Malley greeted the defrosted youth only to receive an icy glare in response.

“You froze me. For six months. Against my will. Upside down.”

“Oh, right…”

“Without pants.”

Pieman frowned. “Actually you had pants when we froze you.”

There was an awkward silence which, eventually, O’Malley broke. “Um… Will can be comic relief guy! You get to die half way through!”

Tom rolled his eyes. “O’Malley you’re being stupid. Can you cut the crap?”

“Jerk!” O’Malley declared, “You die after comic relief!”

“How is this going to help?” Pieman agreed with Tom.

“Pessimist! Dies next!” O’Malley finished assigning roles. “Okay, now onto phase two of preparation, but first, something to drink.” He looked through the bottles lying on the floor and, after finding them all empty, raided the liquor cabinet.

Lara used this opportunity of silence from O’Malley to say something. “Donut, I realize we are in the midst of a zompocalypse and that we will inevitably face a battle of world ending proportions and that our rag-tag band of plucky survivors must stand against the undead hordes as humanities last chance of salvation, and that at any moment any one of us could be killed... but for the love of god, put some pants on!”

“I miss my pants. They were awesome.” Donut replied sadly.

“Whatever.” O’Malley uncapped a gin bottle and waved off their unnecessary commentary. “Now to pick our kits;” He took a swig straight from the bottle, “Pieman, you get a machete and a 12 gauge shotgun. Girls, you both get a simple pistol which you should drop when danger comes approaching, silly helpless females.”

“Can we at least get baseball bats?” Penguins asked.

“Girls can’t play baseball.” O’Malley replied.

Lara rolled her eyed. “I’m not even going to begin on how sexist this is becoming...”

“I may not be able to hit a baseball,” Penguins replied, but I sure can hit other balls.” O’Malley didn’t seem certain of what she was implying so Penguins kicked Donut in the balls to demonstrate.

“She only hurts me ‘cause she loves me!” Donut cried, his eyes full of tears.

“Oh! Oh my! You- You can have your bats!” O’Malley gawped at Donut. “Please don’t hurt me. Jerkface can have a flamethrower.”

“Flamethrowers are illegal.” Lara informed him.

“Ugh! The geneva convention ruined warfare! They banned all the fun weapons.” He complained. “Fine, you can have a shotty too. I’ll get a heavy bolter, hunting shotgun, numerous vials of the antidote and of course the infamous Zombie Killing Machine 2000. Donut, you can have the autoshotgun, AKA the noob cannon,” He looked at Donut withering on the ground, “because you’re going to need it.” O’Malley went on to explain what the plan was.

There was a stunned pause after O’Malley had finished his briefing. Everyone stared at him in disbelief. Tom spoke first, choosing his words carefully in order not to offend O’Malley. “I’d have to check, but by my estimate, the number of helicopter gunships we have may be as few as zero.”

“Only an insane person would be proud of that plan.” Lara said, less tactfully.

“I feel pretty proud...”

“Point proven.”

Suddenly the group because aware of the sounds of groaning and moaning outside. “The Zombies are attacking!” Pieman realised.

“What do we do? They’re breaking in!” Penguins panicked.

“Quick!” O’Malley took charge. “Penguins! Into the shower!”

“We need to escape while we can.” Tom thought it was better to finally take command away from O’Malley.

“O’Malley never runs from a fight!” O’Malley cried.

“Uh…” Lara grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him towards the back door. “We’re not running… We’re going to the, uh, next level. Yeah. The next level.”

“Next level!” O’Malley cheered, “What are we waiting for! Come on Donut, let’s go!”He grabbed his friend by the hand and they charge off into the sunset.

Hope you enjoyed part one of the Story Saturday zompocalypse. Part two next week.

Featured were Tom, Lara Lou, Pieman, O'Malley and Private Donut.

Saturday, February 5

Story Saturday: Horror

It turns out that this is much longer than I intended but I hope its good enough to keep you interested until the end. Enjoy!

Penguins was bored. This wasn’t unusual for a Friday night, since all she usually did was sit around on Facebook chatting to her friend, Tom. But tonight since Tom had decided to get off Facebook and get a life Penguins was left sitting around on Facebook, chatting to no one and she didn’t expect him to appear again at any point in this story. Penguins decided it was probably best if she got off the computer as well and she wandered into the lounge room to see how her siblings had decided to entertain themselves that Friday evening.

The Chairman was lying on the couch reading (his third Terry Pratchett for the night) while Lara Lou (the only sensibly named sibling) stared dreamily at Angel while watching Buffy. Penguins shrugged and sat down. “Put on an episode with Spike in it.”

Lara didn’t even have time to change the disk before there was a knock at the door. Penguins sprung up to answer it with her brother and sister trailing behind. “Wazzup!?” the trio were greeted by their hyperactive, overenthusiastic friend, Private Donut. “Guys! I heard there was a hidden treasure hidden in the haunted house, over way. Want to go check it out?” he said, without giving them a chance to respond.

The siblings glanced at one another and the Chairman punched Donut in the nose. “Ow! What was that for?” Donut clutched at his face.

Penguins rolled her eyes. “Last week you told us, and I quote ‘It's been pointed out to me lately that I'd be that dumbass character in the horror movie who convinces their friends to go into the haunted house under the impression they'll be just fine. And on that note, if I ever try to do so, just punch me in the face.’ We’re just carrying out your bidding.”

Donut didn’t seem to hear. “So now that we’ve got my perfect four man team together, let’s get going!”

“Is it a mistake if I ask him what his perfect four man team is?” Lara whispered to the Chairman.

“Well,” Donut replied, somehow overhearing, “I’m glad you asked. I’ll be the comic relief guy. You three are the jerk, the final girl and the bitchy chick I’m always hitting on.”

“Donut, I’m not being the bitchy chick you’re always hitting on.” Penguins told him, dryly.

“Why do you think you’re the bitchy one?” Lara asked her sister.

Donut looked at Lara for a second before turning to Penguins, “She just doesn’t understand our love.” Penguins punched him in the nose.

“At least you get to be final girl, Lara.” Penguins said, bitterly.

“Final girl?” Donut recovered from the face-punch surprisingly quickly, “Lara’s the Jerk. The Chairman is the Final Girl.” In the end, no one was happy (except for Donut who was very pleased).

“Are we sure we want to be doing this?” Penguins whispered, looking up the cobbled path in front of them.

“I can’t believe we let Donut talk us into this.” Lara whispered back. They were outside the haunted house and it seemed to stare down on them with hunger and wrath.

“This is such a bad idea.” The Chairman said. “Can I punch Donut again?”

Donut was about to bite back (probably literally. You can’t trust that guy) but he never got the chance. “Hello everyone! ” Cried a cheerful voice from behind them. “Whatcha doing?” Donut’s Four Man Team turned around to see a jovial girl in a Collingwood jersey waving at them. A shyer girl stood a little distance behind her cradling an armful of books.

“Hi Laura. Zella.” The Chairman nodded at the two girls. “How you going?”

“We’re about to explore the haunted house. Want to come?” Donut asked, putting on a macho voice that didn’t really suit him. “There’s supposed to be treasure in there.”

“Oooh!” Laura oohed. “That sounds like fun!”

“I’m not so sure…” Zella began to protest but before she could finish Laura and Donut had already dragged the group inside.

Inside it was both eerie and dusty, but mostly dusty. And kind of dark and dank as well. It wasn’t very pleasant. Penguins wasn’t impressed that she had been dragged here. Although, there was a spiral staircase to one side of the foyer that Penguins found pretty awesome. Donut immediately bounded up them with Laura following after him.

“Shouldn’t we go after them?” Zella asked when she realised no one else had bothered to move.

"No, let them go. If we're lucky, Donut, at least, will die a horrible death and we'll never have to see him again." The Chairman said offhandedly.

They did end up following after the two, because, really, who doesn’t want to climb a spiral staircase? But at the top of the stairs they were nowhere to be seen. They were in a long hallway with five doors leading off it. “Perhaps we should each search a room for them. It’ll be quicker that way.” The Chairman suggested. “We’ll all take the last door.”

“Are you trying to get yourself murdered?” Penguins replied. “You are in a haunted house and you’re suggesting we split up?”

“You take movies to seriously, Penguins.” Lara said, agreeing with the Chairman and entering the doorway closest to her. Zella and the Chairman each chose a doorway and did the same thing.

“Uh…” Penguins was still hesitant but staying alone in the hallway was just as likely to get her killed as going into a strange room. She opened the fourth door and found… a bathroom. A plain ordinary bathroom that was entirely empty. Except… there was a sound from the sink. Penguins edged over to it nervously. What if it was full of blood? Slowly, bitting her lip and with one eye closed, she peeked at what was inside.

“Eek!” Penguins screeched. “Maggots!” That was just as big a horror movie cliché as blood!

“Penguins! Are you okay?” The Chairman came running in with Zella close behind him. “What happened?”

Penguins didn’t get time to respond before they heard Lara scream. The three darted to the room Lara had entered earlier. She stood in front of an open closet staring inside with utter horror. “G… guys…?” she breathed as the others joined he by the closet. “I think we’d better get out of here…”

Inside the closet was Laura, her throat slit and her eyes glazed over.

“No.” the Chairman groaned. “Why couldn’t Donut have died instead?”

“We have to get out of here!”

“We can’t leave without Donut.”

“I knew it. We’re all going to die.”

A clatter came from the hallway causing the four to jump. “If we’re going to die, I’m going to let someone know where to find our bodies.” Penguins whispered while the others searched for anything that could be used as a weapon. “Does anyone have a phone?”

The Chairman and Zella both shook their heads. “I’m out of credit.” Lara shrugged, finding a fire-poker in the corner of the room.

“Then I hope this place has easily hack-able WiFi.” Penguins pulled out her iPod Touch.

Three attempts later Penguins tried the password “die_die_die!” and had logged onto the WiFi network and connected to Facebook.

“Hey! A broadsword!” Zella found herself a weapon. The Chairman armed himself with a baseball bat.

“Okay.” Lara said, sounding more confident than she felt, “Now that we’re ready, lets go investigate that sound.

The hallway was empty but the far door, the one yet to be investigated, now hung wide open. “Do… do you think Donut might be in there?” Zella asked. The group raised their weapons and shuffled forward nervously.

“Hi guys!” Donut said cheerfully. He stood in the middle of the room smiling at them.

"Wait, you're still alive? Well, sh - I mean, oh good." The Chairman greeted Donut less than enthusiastically.

The room they were standing in took creepiness to the next level. The room was round with doors the whole way round. “Guys, isn’t this place awes–” before Donut could finish his sentence the door behind his swung open and an axe came flying through the air, embedding itself in Donut’s head.

The girls screamed and the Chairman cheered. A dark figure stepped through the doorway. “Who… who are you?” Zella stuttered. The figure stepped into the light, revealing him to be a rugged man cradling a ventriloquist doll in his arms.

“I am Till Hammerette.” The ventriloquist doll said. “And this is O’Malley.” The doll gestured to the man holding her.

“Why did you kill our friends?” Lara asked, still feigning confidence.

Till Hammerette laughed, “That’s what I –”

“Penguins! I’m here to save you!” a holler came from behind them and a man came charging through them towards O’Malley and Till Hammerette.

“Tom?” Penguins stared at the man in awe.

“I saw you Facebook message! I’m here to save you!”

O’Malley pulled the axe from Donut’s head and swung it, severing Tom’s head from his body. “Wow. That was kind of like in the Shining.” The Lara commented.

“And now to kill the rest of –!” A masked man crashed through the ceiling, once again interrupting Till Hammerette, and landed before O’Malley, striking an awesome pose.

“O’Malley, Till Hammerette. I am here to stop you!” the masked man declared, drawing his rocket propelled chainsaw launcher.

“Who is that mysterious hero?” Penguins swooned.

“That’s Pieman!” Zella exclaimed. “But I thought he was just a legend!”

“Make your escape.” Pieman told the group and Penguins swooned again. “I’ll handle things from here.”

The Chairman nodded and grabbed hold of his flustered sister. Zella opened the nearest door and they ran inside to the sounds of a chainsaw starting up.

And there was the treasure. It had to be. What else sat inside golden, jewel embossed, chests? In fact, the chest could have been the treasure itself, but Penguins had to check. What if there was something more valuable inside? Penguins stepped forward and flicked the latch, lifting the lid of the chest.

“Wow.” Zella breathed.

“Is that what I think it is?” the Chairman’s eyes where wide.

“What’s so great about it?” Lara asked.

Zella, Penguins and the Chairman all stared to look at her. “Lara,” Penguins said as if she were speaking to a small child, “that’s the lost manuscript of H.G. Wells’ last book. It’s rumoured to be the greatest science fiction novel of all time!”

“It’s a sci-fi novel that I haven’t read!” the Chairman said, trying to express the importance of the manuscript to Lara.

Zella stepped forward and reached out to the manuscript. “This is one of the greatest literary discoveries in history!” as she touched the manuscript a trapdoor opened up beneath the four and they tumbled outside like a blind homeless man stumbling into a high school prom. That is to say, very suddenly, and with a sense of both panic and confusion.

“We’re outside!” Lara cheered. “We’re saved!”

“No! The manuscript!” Zella cried. “It’s the only copy of H.G. Wells’ last novel. We can’t leave it.” Before anyone could say ‘Going back in there is stupider than letting Pvt. Donut’ Zella had run back into the house.

Lara looked at Penguins and the Chairman in disbelief. The Chairman shrugged, “H.G. Wells.”

“Sorry.” Penguins told her sister, “Only copy.” They both disappeared back into the house after Zella.

I'm pretty sure everyone who gave permission was in this story but in the future I won't use everyone in each story. Thanks to Pieman, the Chairman, Lara Lou, Laura, O'Malley, Pvt. Donut, Till Hammerette, Tom and Zella for letting me use you.

Next week Zompocalyse!