Bad Romance Book Review – Sins of a Virgin

Sins of a Virgin by Anna Randol is a gritty crime novel dressed up in the slinky red dress of a romance. The blurb led me to believe I was getting the lustful love story of a scandalous courtesan and a disciplined police officer but what I received was much, much more.

After the Napoleonic Wars end Madeline Valdan returns to London. She had been one of three great spies but now that the war was over she was no longer needed and cast out. But Madeline has a plan to make a lot of money fast – become the most famous and sought after courtesan in London and auction off her virginity to the highest bidder.

Gabriel Huntford became a Bow Street Runner after his sister’s death and finally, after seven years, he’s come across a solid lead into her murder. When Gabriel is assigned as protection for Madeline he sees it as the perfect opportunity to investigate. Although they each keep their past close to their chests, both are quick to realise that the other is more than they seem.

Anyone who knows me knows I have terrible issues with female characters. Romance heroines are even worse than the average female in fiction. They’re always bold and brave, but need to be rescued every chapter by their man. They’re stubborn, but they never take charge. They’re plain ass two dimensional.

Madeline Valdan was different. She was a believably strong female. People know I usually have issues with strong females as well, but Madeline was shockingly different. Madeline had had a difficult past but had adapted and hardened herself against becoming cold-hearted and cruel to the point where she also believed it. Madeline had been a spy for so long she’d completely forgotten who she really was and only knew the roles she played. And it was believable. I believed this woman, which I rarely do with female characters. Never romance characters.

Gabriel was the first hero of a romance I’ve found myself falling for. Like Madeline, his flaws seemed real. My list of fictional crushes to the side will tell you that I usually prefer the flawed characters. Neither Madeline nor Gabriel came across as a Mary Sue once. They had none of those “fake flaws” that could be likeable and sometimes kind of be considered complimentary. Most romance characters have one flaw and it’s usually stubbornness which isn’t usually treated as a flaw at all.

There were times Gabriel had to save Madeline’s life, which yeah, pissed me off, but someone really wanted her dead and most of the time she fought to save herself just as hard as Gabriel. There were times she did a better job of it.

Each piece of their past was revealed at just the right time to be most effective and you could really feel the way it affected the character.

Like I said at the start, this book feels more like a regency crime novel than a romance, the focus being on finding the man who murdered Gabriel’s sister as well as another girl. The investigation had me on the edge of my seat at times and baffled by some of the red herrings. However, although I say all this, I did guess the correct killer pretty early on in the book, I just didn’t have any proof other than the frequency of his name occurring. Randol should probably work on that if she ever does another crime themed novel; which I hope she does.

I loved Sins of a Virgin, I’m a little ashamed to say. But it never once came across as your typical romance novel. If this book had been published by Random House or Penguin instead of Avon Romance I’m sure a larger range of people would pick it up unabashed asides from the target demographic. If you’re looking for a really decent Romance novel and enjoy a little intrigue, Sins of a Virgin is the book for you. I personally cannot wait to get my hands on the sequels and read other books by Anna Randol.

I give it four out of five stars and it gets zero for so-bad-its-good. It simply wasn’t bad. I, at least, loved it.

Bad Romance Book Review: The Key

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve blogged, guys, but… I’ve kind of misplaced Bound to a Warrior. Disappointing, I know. I also haven’t had the time or motivation to dedicate myself to anymore Story Saturdays. I’m intending to change this. Hopefully – hopefully – I will write a blog a week (or at least a fortnight), either a Story Saturday, or a Bad Romance Book Review. To start it off – The Key by Lindsay Sands.

When Iliana Wildwood’s mother is forced to marry a ruthless and greedy man the only way Iliana can escape and hope to free her mother is to marry Duncan, a barbarous Scottish Highlander. Although there is something about the virile warrior that makes her weak at the knees, Iliana refuses to let him into her bed until he becomes more civilised. Iliana has the perfect device to resist Duncan’s advances… a chastity belt.

However, Duncan is not one to easily give up and accept defeat. Changing his tactics, Duncan decides to romance Iliana into willingly, breathlessly, giving up… The Key.

When in a bookstore there are four things I do, every time. First, I look over the classics to see which titles I can get for $10. I browse the Young Adult section, lingering on L and M, checking for miss-shelving, then, with a sigh, I ask an employee where Margo Lanagan is (they don’t have her, I should check online if I’m ever to read Sea Hearts). The fourth think I do is look over the romance section for the worst and most ridiculous sounding book.

The Key was pointed out to me by my boyfriend while I was doing this at a QBD in Brisbane. I’d all but settled on Sins of a Virgin but followed his pointed finger and picked up the Key to read the blurb. Chastity belt. Sold. (I also bought Sins of a Virgin but it will wait for another day. You’ll be disappointed by my review for it)

There are four plots in the Key; three minor plot points and one main plot. Three of these would make great stories. One is stupidly ridiculous. Guess which is the main story line?

1. There is Iliana’s mother’s forced marriage and the need to rescue her from a violent, thieving man.
2. Duncan’s sister runs away to escape her own impending marriage and is caught by enemies of Duncan’s clan, needing Duncan to lead an army to rescue her.
3.  There is an invasion of the castle.
4. And Iliana refuses to sleep with her husband, despite desiring him, all because he smells.

That’s it. He smells. The driving plot line. Iliana even straight up tells him, “have a bath and I’d love to sleep with you. I’ll tear your clothes right off you and thrust you inside me myself”*

But Duncan is too stubborn. He has a bath twice a year, January and July, and it’s only June.

I have polled several people and everyone** says “Hell yes” or, alternatively, a quiet, bashful “yeah…”. This is not a realistic plot. Come on, Sands, there is so much more you could do with a chastity belt. A man not being willing to bathe for sex is not one of them. It is simply not realistic. Men have gone to war just to get their willy wet. Look at Troy!

When the sex scenes finally happen they are nothing to write home about. I’ve already forgotten what happened. I think they do it against a tree once? Iliana lures Duncan into a bath and… I think they have sex? The initial interactions between Duncan and Iliana when she is wearing the belt feel as awkward and uncomfortable as a Target customer whose friend is insisting on lodging a complaint that one of the female mannequins looks too masculine. Everyone, particularly the audience, experiences a little cringing, a lot of shame, and just doesn’t know how to react.

The relationship between Duncan and Iliana is also clumsy. Although we see Duncan trying to help Iliana and look after her we don’t really see their relation develop. It goes from hate and lust to plain lust then, suddenly, out of nowhere they’re saying they love each other when really you think they really mean to say “I kinda tolerate you. Let’s bang.”

If we overlook the main plotline and just ignore Duncan. The story is kind of interesting. I like the story about Iliana’s mother. However, there was nothing new or creative. A lot of it I’d seen before and it just seemed re-done. It was just kind of… bland.

If you want a laugh, a quick read, and to cringe a lot, then the Key is the perfect novel for you. If you want something substantial and decent, try a different genre and not an Avon Romance. The Key gets a one out of five on the decent scale and a three on the so-bad-its-good scale.

*May be paraphrased.

**Except my mother who was the single outlier, claiming “I ain’t changing for no man! I’m a strong, independent woman, if he wants me he takes me how I am!”* But she’s kind of bitter.

Next time I’ll review Sins of a Virgin about a courtesan auctioning her virginity, or, if you give me a genre, you might receive a Story Saturday.

Blogging Bound to a Warrior: Part Three

"Dampness remained at the ends of Duncan's plaid and at the hem of his shirt, but mostly his garments were dry. And glad of it he was, since he slipped into them as soon as his eyes cleared of sleep.

Mercy was too tempting a morsel to remain beside her naked and not want to do more than just keep her warm. He had fought his carnal urges like a stoic warrior throughout the night. It wasn't an easy battle, especially when she had tucked her free hand in places that provided the most warmth.

It hadn't been bad when she had tucked it between their stomachs, but when her hand had begun to drift to a more heated, sensitive area, he knew he was in trouble."

I just didn't feel it was fair to kept the incredible amusingness that is the first page of chapter three all to myself. Such amazing stuff. I may have fallen off the bed laughing while reading this and the following few paragraphs. Sadly though, chapter three deteriorates quickly.

As Duncan dresses in his wool plaid it is described as having no distinguishable colours. Unfortunately on page 15 it was described as black and red and I lose all hope for the chance of continuity in this story. I notice these things. Please, keep them constant. Minute discrepancies give me cold shivers and make me throw books. I didn't want to hurt you, Bound to a Warrior, but you brought it on yourself (its when I say things like this that I worry my boyfriend may be the victim of an abusive relationship, but frankly, if he's going to tickle me he should expect wild limb flailing and it's not my fault if a foot occasionally connects with a sensitive area like the one Mercy's hand was drifting to)..
Sorry. Of topic. Anyway...
Duncan spends a great deal of time perving on Mercy; "accidentally" while she dresses and more when they discuss their next move - keep walking then dinner before bed. Duncan is pretty hungry, but not for food. He desires Mercy's luscious lips. So far Duncan has come of ridiculously lecherous and not at all as chivalrous as Mercy thinks he is.
The do, however share a sweet moment in the forest when Mercy (stupidly) stops to pick heather (for some reason). Mercy drops a sprig which Duncan picks up and tucks behind her ear. He then caresses the tip of her ear and they end up holding hands. It would be a lovely moment if we weren't subject to Duncan's lusty thoughts.
They eventually come across a little house that is occupied by an old couple. Now remember that. It's say the house is occupied by an old couple.
Mercy and Duncan decide to sneak in and look for some kind of tool to break the chain that's cuffed them together. However it turns out that the kings soldiers have been through here earlier and confiscated all the tools. They fond this out because they're sprung by the farmer who owns the place, who spotted them aged ago because apparently a farmer is much better at finding fugitives then the people actually looking for them. but it's okay because a good guy. He invites them inside when his pregnant wife makes them something to eat. That's right. They mistook a pregnant lady for an old woman. Because we all know pregnant women look just like old ladies.
However, we do have a bit more plot development when they discuss a seers prophecy announcing the return of the true king of Scotland who will undo all the bad deeds of the current king.
The chapter end with Mercy and Duncan being given supplies and they leave with something the man had said ringing in their ears.
"One of you must be mighty important for the king to be searching so hard for you."
And I think we're supposed to be left wondering which one. I think it's both of them but for different reasons. Duncan is one of the four from the prophecy, maybe the true king, maybe not. And Mercy is either the bastard daughter of someone important or her mother was the concubine of someone important and then something happened and now she's on the run. I'm not sure what yet. But that's my guess.
I found this chapter boring and inconsistent but it was important in that it tied in the prophecy and gave us a plot greater than "handcuffs make for kinky sex".

We're still at the same two plot holes.
- Why are they handcuffed together?
- Why weren't they killed on the spot?

Blogging Bound to a Warrior: Chapter Two

I'm not sure if I furiously enjoyed this chapter or was bitterly disappointed. A little of both, I guess. When a chapter starts with someone suggesting they both get naked, you sort of expect a little sex. Especially when Duncan immediately reaches for Mercy's clothes and starts pulling them off as if that's all he's been thinking off all day (which he has).

So yeah, no sex. But I've so far read up to chapter eleven and this does remain my favourite chapter, even if things get as hot and dirty as they could have. But why is it my favourite chapter, you may ask? Well, dear reader, it's chocked full with awkward sexual tension.

As I said, Duncan immediately starts to undress Mercy, while Mercy just stands there staring at him. No, staring isn't the right word. She's checking him out. While he's there undressing her she spends two seconds thinking "this isn't very proper or lady-like" then she goes on to spend two pages describing how hot he's looking.

Duncan struggles to untie her shirt and tells her "I'll have you free of these stubborn ties soon, I promise" and Mercy realises just how concerned he is for her wellbeing. Sure. That's why he's undressing you. Not because you're a busty beautiful woman who just said "let's strip!" (that may be paraphrasing).

Duncan finally whips the blouse over her head and exposes Mercy's bare bosoms. Rather than cover them with her arms or hands Mercy, not wanting to appear vulnerable or a cowards decides to show them off. Because it's better to be slutty than a coward or, you know, modest.

They strip of the rest of the clothes. Because of the handcuffs they can't take their shirts off properly and they just hang of the chain with it through the armholes. By this point they have used the word garment at least five times and not a single other synonym for the word. Not clothes, not anything. Sure, I get the author's trying to get the historical lingo going, but just using "garment" instead of "clothes" isn't going to cut it.

Mercy visibly shivers and Duncan embraces her in a hug and massages warmth back into her body she snuggles against him and massages him back. It all gets rather sexual without anything actually occurring. They finally realise that they need to make a proper camp to keep warm and spread out their "garments" to dry so they make an agreement that they're not going to look at each other where they shouldn't be looking and they get to work. Of course, it doesn't take long for Mercy to be telling us that Duncan is a generously endowed man.

They make themselves a bed out of leave and branches and quickly snuggle up to get warm. Mercy feels Duncan "grow large against her" but he promises to leave her alone. This was obviously going to occur at some point in this chapter but it took a lot longer than I expected. One thing I'm learning about romance novels while reading this book is that the authors draw it out as long as possible, piling on the sexual tension without anything actually happening. The book is 35 chapters long, I'm not expecting sex until chapter 26.
The author's main reason here for giving Duncan an erection wasn't just to show that he desired Mercy, we already know that, but to show that he is chivalrous and won't do anything to Mercy without her consent. I can't say that Donna Fletcher is a good writer but she certainly knows how to play the game. I haven't read many romance novels (this is my first aimed at an adult audience) but I think she's pretty good at her craft.
Duncan makes a joke about how they should do it there and then, to generate heat, of course, but only receives a peck on the cheek for his efforts. This leads to what is probably one of the greatest motivators in the book: Duncan says he needs to teach her how to kiss properly and Mercy replies "When we are safe, our chains gone, I promise I will reward you with a kiss."
The chapter ends with them both dreaming of the kiss and how much they both want it. Thus the desire for each other has become a much more motivational factor for getting rid of the handcuffs than, you know, freedom.

The 2 plot holes from last chapter remain unresolved:
- Why are they handcuffed together?
- Why weren't they killed on the spot?

And I'll leave you with my favourite quote from this chapter, a terrible pun that Duncan says to Mercy:

"Then don't fancy me with your lovely smile, or I'll be begging for mercy."

Blogging Bound to a Warrior: Chapter One

Every now and then even the biggest literature nerds want to read something trashy- whether that be my Story Saturday's, fanfiction, or the Twilight Saga. I decided to read a trashy romance novel; Bound to a Warrior by Donna Fletcher, a USA Today best selling author (or so the cover of the book tells me). Published by Avon Historical Romance this book cost me AU$1.25. I bought it for the sole reason that the couple on the cover were handcuffed together.

I'm very sceptical about any kind of romance novel that has a couple in some stage of undress on the cover, particularly when the female lead is named after a virtue. One of the reasons for reading Bound to a Warrior was to prove to myself that they're not as bad as I think they are. However, I'm pretty sure that my blog of this book will reflect my pessimism

Anyway, without further ado, Blogging Bound to a Warrior:

The book opens with a seers prophecy:

When summer touches winter and the snow descends

the reign of the false king begins to end.

Four warriors ride together and then divide

among them the true king hides.

When he meets death on his own

that is when he reclaims his throne

I don't know about you, but to me this sounds like a fantasy plot, not so much a romance, but that's cool. This means there's depth to the story, right? It can't be all sex and sexual tension when there's a king to dethrone and replace. However a look at the inside cover showed me that Bound to a Warrior is in a series so my book mightn't even be about the true king. It might just be about one of these other warriors. Doesn't matter. I'm sure I'm in for some kind of action. Hopefully it's not all the hot and dirty kind.

Chapter one starts well, the opening line being "Duncan tumbled down hard onto the woman." We've already got physical contact and they're lying on top of each other already. This is what we expect from a romance novel with a shirtless man clutching a woman's thigh illustrating the cover.

We find out that Duncan, a Scottish Highlander and warrior, has been chained to a delicate young woman. Why they're handcuffed together, we don't know. I'm sure it will be explained. All we know for now is that they're both prisoners and handcuffs are going to make the story much kinkier.

They are marched by two soldiers to the edge of a cliff above a fast flowing river and given two options. Jump into the rapids that will almost certainly drown them, or be killed where they stand by the soldiers. Why bother handcuffing them together if you're just going to kill them? I don't know.

While constantly describing to the reader the sensual curves of the woman's body and the way she felt in his arms, Duncan grabbed hold of the woman and jumped into the river, with her consent, of course, because Duncan is a chivalrous hero. Now, despite the river being "certain death" and despite the woman turning out to be unable to swim, Duncan gets them both safely to the shore and the soldiers don't notice that they've survived. They've probably already wandered off to chain two other random things together. Maybe a squirrel and a rocking chair. It would make about as much sense as chaining these two together.

The woman introduces herself as Mercy (she's one of those female leads named after a virtue) but Duncan is too busy staring at her boobs through her soaking wet shirt. However Mercy doesn't notice this and instead we have an awkward toilet scene. I tell you, not enough handcuff stories had awkward toilet scenes. All plot holes so far are redeemed by this toilet scene alone. Who wants to bet that there isn't another one? That these two only need to use the toilet once for their entire time chained together?

Dusk comes and Duncan and Mercy are still dripping wet. The temperature is quickly dropping and, despite Duncan lighting a fire, their clothes just aren't drying fast enough to keep them warm. Chapter one ends with Mercy making a daring suggestion:

"We need to get out of these wet garments."

The sexual tension is unbelievable! Already getting naked? Could we really have a sex scene in the next chapter? You'll only find out if I remember to continue this blog.

Number of Plot Holes so far: 2

- Why are they handcuffed together?

- Why weren't they just killed on the spot?

My Life According to... the Books on my Bookshelf

You may remember a few months back I did, My Life According to Rise Against where I answered questions using only names of songs by my favourite band. Well today I decided to do the same thing, but rather than a band I'm using books from my bookshelf.

Using only titles from books on your bookshelf, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 10 people you like and include me. Try not to repeat a title. It's a lot harder than you think!

Are you a male or female: The Other Boleyn Girl - Philippa Gregory

Describe yourself: the Historian - Elizabeth Kostova

How do you feel: Fear Drive my Feet - Peter Ryan

Where do you currently live: [Actual name of my town] (yeah, I have a book that is the history of my town, but I'm not relaying it here)

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: the Heaven Shop - Debora Ellis

Your favourite form of transportation: The Time Machine - H.G. Wells

Your best friend is: A Little Princess - Frances Hodgson Burnett

You and your best friends are: Mostly Harmless - Douglas Adams

What's the weather like: Cloudstreet - Tim Winton

Favourite time of day: Twilight (yuck, I know, but I do love that time of day) - She Who Must Not Be Named

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Lady Dance - Jackie French

What is life to you: War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

Your relationship: Catch-22 - Joseph Heller

Your fear: Dracula - Bram Stoker

What is the best advice you have to give: Atonement - Ian McEwan

Thought for the Day: There's a Hippopotamus in the Playground Eating Cake - Hazel Edwards

How would you like to die: Entertaining Satan - John Demos

My soul's present condition: Meltdown - Andy McNab

My motto: I Wish I had a Pirate Suit - Pamela Allen


So now you know I love children's books. What does your bookshelf say about you?

Macbeth’s Progress into Villainy

I wrote this essay in year 10 while studying Macbeth. My teachers reply sort of went along the lines of "...maybe for a history essay...". Enjoy.


Once upon a time there was an ancient country known as Alba. The kings of Alba were elected, from a group of clan chiefs by their fellow chiefs and churchmen. One of these kings to be elected was King Duncan. But there was a problem with King Duncan. You see, Duncan kept fighting wars to expand his territories and while Duncan was off at war his people back in Alba were starving to death. Something had to be done so the chiefs and churchmen of Alba elected the Chief of Clan Moray as king instead.
Under the new king, things in Alba were looking pretty good. The new king had united the country for the first time. He made and enforced laws. Alba had become a place where the old and the sick were protected, and where women had equal rights. Under the new king Alba was peaceful and prosperous.
Now, at this time, outside of Alba in all the other countries, kings were not elected. Kingship was inherited. This caused many members of the royal family to resort to murder and war as they tried to gain kingship. Duncan’s son, Malcolm, had fled to one of these countries where kings were not elected. In this country it was believed that the king’s son became king no matter what. It didn’t matter how bad he was for the country. So the king of this country decided to help Malcolm raise an army and conquer Alba.
But Malcolm’s army couldn’t take Alba. After a failed invasion Malcolm resorted to sending assassins to murder the king of Alba.
The king of Alba was Macbeth.

Macbeth takes place in Scotland in the early eleventh century, which, at the time, was known as Alba. In the play, though, Shakespeare makes it more relevant and people-friendly by referring to the country by its modern name, Scotland. The above story of Alba is the story of “the real Macbeth”.
According to Irish, Norwegian and Scottish historians, Macbeth was, in most aspects, a very good king. Even lady Macbeth is said to have been an exceptionally wise queen. It was really only the English historian, Raphael Holinshed that claimed Macbeth wasn’t a good king. Holinshed was from England, the country that Malcolm had fled to and the country that had assisted Malcolm’s war against Macbeth. It could be more than possible that Holinshed held bias against Macbeth and that his view was coloured in favour of Malcolm and England. Holinshed’s history, the Chronicles of Scotland, also show little understanding of ancient Scottish laws which could have affected his view of Macbeth.
Holinshed is believed to be the only source that Shakespeare used when writing his play. Shakespeare portrayed Macbeth even worse than the villain Holinshed had depicted. The main aim of Shakespeare’s plays was to entertain and impress those in power, at the time this was King James, a descendent of Banquo. Because of James’ relation, Shakespeare played up Banquo, showing him as a hero and Macbeth the villain. The addition of the witches was also for the purpose of entertainment and to impress the king. James was known to have a hatred of witches.
I didn’t matter to Shakespeare that the facts he used or his portrayal of Macbeth weren’t true because sycophancy was more important in his profession than historical accuracy.
Macbeth’s progress into villainy started with an English historian, Rafael Holinshed, who wrote the Chronicles of Scotland without a full understanding of Scottish law or governance. Holinshed let his bias influence his portrayal of Macbeth and also likely wrote his history to please those in power. Similarly, using information form Holinshed’s history, Shakespeare manipulated facts in his play to please those in charge; creating the villain Macbeth is known as today.

After Macbeth’s murder his step-son, Lulach Macgillecomgain, was elected as the king of Alba but after many years of fighting Malcolm he too was assassinated and Malcolm became king by force. From Malcolm’s time onwards Scottish kings inherited the throne rather than being elected. The laws in Alba that had given equal rights and protected the poor were abolished.
Malcolm was the first king not to be buried at the sacred island of Iona.

My Place

I got a lot of feedback about my Periodic Table T-shirt so I thought I'd show it to you all. And once I'd gotten out the camera I couldn't help but take a few photos.

Here's my T-shirt. It's a great conversation starter. I was bushwalking to Wineglass Bay in Tasmania and had two guys comment on it. One guy had walked past me when he suddenly spun around, pointed accusingly at me, and screamed "Periodic Table" at the top of is lungs. The other guy sort of just nodded and said "cool periodic table".

I want the periodic table shower curtain from the Big Bang theory.

This is my pin board. It's turned into more of a work of art than a notice board.

You might be able to notice my elevator safety guide in the bottom right-hand corner. This was a Christmas present from my brother, O'Malley. I gave him several bags of air. Just in case, you know? There's also my name spelt out using element symbols, two Andy Warhol quote postcards. Several song quotes. Several post-it notes designed by my friends, including one quoting the Raven. There's a playing card from Port Arthur in Tassie, a couple of sketches by me that I love, a batman birthday invitation and more!

These are a couple of the posters on my wall. I also have all the One Piece wanted posters, a WW1 recruitment poster (which I adore), and a Pink Floyd "The Wall" poster.

I chose to show these ones to you because of my original series Pokemon poster which came free with the 2BA Master Pokemon soundtrack CD my brother got when he was four and I recently stole to load onto my iPod. My brothers and I also went lapping to this CD. Blasting out the PokeRAP while "hoon-ing" around town is pretty epic.

Also pictured is my "Save the Planet" propaganda postcards and my Alkaline Trio poster. Those guys rock.

Here's my bookcase! The most important part of ones house. There are at least three other bookcases in my house, all more full than this one.

Notice my gorgeous four books on the second bottom shelf that I won as second prize in a Forgotten Bookmarks give-away? I've got War and Peace, Les Miserables, the Works of Shakespeare and the works of Carlyle. Try not to notice that I own all the Twilight books.

If I had to pick some of my favourites off this shelf I'd have to go with the Kate DiCamello (my mum and I are in love with this children's author), the Inkheart trilogy (the movie was the worst film adaption I have ever seen), Catcher in the Rye (because I'm married to Holden Caulfield. Do not debate this fact), my Markus Zuzak (the Messenger and the Book Thief), and probably my graphic novels. Don't judge me, people. V for Vendetta is an amazing movie and an even more amazing graphic novel.

This is my desk where I write this blog. It's from the old Catholic school. It has 3A printed on the side showing which classroom it used to be in. Funnily enough, my brother has the teachers desk from the old Catholic school.

See my sexy red computer? It's RED! There's also my iPod touch there and a load of other crap. The piece of paper pinned to my wall is the Rules and Advice for NaNoWriMo which I am now using for Script Frenzy. Would you like to take a closer look at what's written on my white board? Of course you would:

This was mum's motto for me while studying for the High School Certificate last year. I haven't rubbed it off yet because I'm planning to attack O'Malley with it when his exams come around.

I admit that I was the one that added the INGSOC slogan. Mum wasn't happy with the whole Ignorance is Strength line, seeming she was forcing me to study to make me less ignorant, so changed it to Undying Obedience.

Finally I'm adding an artwork that I did because I want to ask you your opinion. I still need to get a piece of coloured card for the background and I need to paint the frame but I'm having trouble choosing colours. If anyone tells me the guy has fat arms or looks like Ben 1o I will cyber punch you.

So they're just a little pieces of me. What do you think?

The Daughter of...?

I finally got around to reading Percy Jackson and I don't care if it's a kids book, I love kids books. Having been banned from reading books of my own choosing for about a year and only reading Great Expectations and Virginia Woolf it was a great relief and an awesomely fun time to read something so fun and easy.

In case you don't know what Percy Jackson is about I'm sure you want a summery or something but I really can't be bothered doing a good job so instead you get this:

Percy Jackson is this dyslexic ADHD twelve year old (so he's like my Legal Studies teacher crossed with that kid in year 8 except more interesting and less sleazy (I slapped that kid once. He was cruisin' for a bruisin' with those lines)). Some things go down and Percy finds out he's half Greek God (a half blood). Then things get awesome and he goes on a quest but I'm not going to tell you about it because that would spoil the book for you and I seriously couldn't be bothered.

Okay, well, moving on from my dodgy blurb that more described the crumminess of my school than the book.

Up until year 10 when I became intrigued in modern war history I was fascinated with Ancient mythology and I would still be able to retell any myth for you. The Dictionary of Greek Mythology was my most read book until I devastatingly lost it.

I loved reading Percy Jackson and revisiting my mythologically fascinated youth. It was packed full of mythological references which I was excited to find were pretty much accurate (except the author used the Roman Hercules), and I was thrilled by the references to my favourite myths.

(Just so you know, my top favourite myths are unfortunately all love stories: Eros and Psyche comes in as number 1, followed by Hero and Leander, Echo and Narcissus, then probably Persephone)

Anyways, I'll get to the point now (if I can remember what that was). So, this book got me wondering, if I was half blood which Greek god would I have as my parent?

My first thought was Artemis because she's my favourite goddess but the whole chastity thing could make things awkward.

Next I thought Hera. One day, I decided, Hera will want to give Zeus a taste of his own medicine and I want to be the product of that. (Is that a weird thing to want?)

Otherwise I would probably choose a minor god. I just don't really feel like Big 12 material. So, because it's my favourite myth, I want to be the daughter of Eros and Psyche. Psyche's a human so I'd still be half blood. I also like this idea because it would be absolutely awesome to call Aphrodite grandma.

So that settled it. I'm the daughter of Eros, grandkid of Aphrodite.

I realise this post was pretty much one big ramble but if you made it through it, who would you be the kid of? Which god is your parent?

Scary Things

1. Nurse Ratchet
2. Light/Kira
3. Wrists
4. People with dandruff
5. Clowns
6. Bugs
7. Asteroids
8. Super volcanoes
9. Photocopiers that say "misfire"
10. War
11. The degeneration of Vampires in popular culture
12. My mum
13. Maths
14. Unrequited love
15. 20 missed calls from the one person
16. Ventriloquists
17. Ventriloquist dummies
18. Lady Gaga
19. Cliché movie plots
20. Cthulhu
21. Gnomes
22. Toilets that don't flush, and then begin to back up and overflow.
23. Overenthusiastic sports fans.
24. Vans with curtains
25. Remembering an assignment the day its due
26. I can't believe its not chicken
27. Dimly lit parking lots
28. 2012
29. Lack of a social conscience in society
30. Little kids who sing in horror movies
31. Realising you insulted Edward in a room full of Twihards
32. Jack Nicholson
33. Unclean hotel rooms
34. Neurosurgeon with shaky hands
35. The twins from the Shining
36. Phones ringing during a blackout
37. Cereal Serial killers
38. Chemistry
39. The Guy Made of Bees (from the Kingdom of Loathing)
40. Life
41. People who say "Look I got you this present, open it now. It's funny. No, you have to open it where everyone can see it. It'll be hilarious!"
42. Opening a present after someone has said "Look I got you this present, open it now. It's funny. No, you have to open it where everyone can see it. It'll be hilarious!"
43. Too wide smiles
44. Green potatoes
45. Those filthy commies (nah, just kidding, you guys are alright)
46. Writing a list of 50 scary things and running out of ideas around 46. (okay, so that’s not really scary but it is seriously annoying)
47. Most dolls
48. Most Coheed and Cambria lyrics, e.g. "I’ll kill anything cut the throats of babies for them break they're hearts for they were them"
49. The HSC
50. Spooky night noises

Down with Big Brother!!

"To the future or the past, to a time when thought is free, when men are different from one another and do not livealone - to a time when truth exists and what is done cannot be undone:

"From the ageof uniformity, from the age of solitude, from the age of Big Brother, from the age of doublethink - greetings!

"Thoughtcrime does not entail death: thoughtcrime IS death."

I Prefer Guys Who Don't Really Exist

With the approaching release of the next Twilight movie hysteria is once again taking hold the twi-hard fangirls, but now the obsession is not only with Eddie C but also with the gorgeous looking Jacob.

All this Twilight hype has finally made me realise that I'm not actually the only one who has crushes on fictional characters. I know everyone has had one celebrity crush or another but thanks to Twilight it's finally becoming clear that people (besides myself) do fall in love with fictitious characters.

Therefore I've decided to compile of all my fictional love interests for you to laugh at and I hope you'll leave your own fictional infatuations for me in the comments. I'm also very interested to see if any guys have fictional crushes or if its just limited to Megan Fox like with my friends.

Anyway, here's my list, its not exactly complete but I will try to update it:

1. My number one is, of course, Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye. This list will make it obvious that I love troubled guys.
2. Gaara from Naruto. This one's kind of embarrassing so I thought I'd get it out quickly.
3. Itachi from Naruto. What I say? Already three troubled guys on my list.
4. Kakashi from Naruto. Alright, this Naruto business is getting a little ridiculous, so lets just finish up with it; the list also includes Shikamaru.
5. Ulquiorra from Bleach. I like my manga, alright, and I like the fact he's nihilistic (told you I like troubled guys).
6. Mello from Death Note. I guess this one's been coming on for a while but I'm only just realising it. Although he is the most feminine character in appearance he's also the only one with real balls and the only character who doesn't scare me (you know, besides Matsuda)
7. Greed/Ling Yao from Fullmetal Alchemist. This is two awesome guys in one, so that's kind of cool, but I suppose the double personality thing could get a little awkward.
8. Nat Eaton from the Witch of Blackbird Pond. Playful, sexy and flirtatious. And he has a cool name.
9. Any character played by Johnny Depp. I know I said fictional characters but... Johnny Depp!
10. Nathanial by the end of the Bartimaeus trilogy. He may be a jerk most of the way through but by the end, love him! (Bartimaeus is pretty hot too)
11. Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird. Is there any character sexier than Atticus Finch? I don't think so. He's a really man. Total heart throb. He's chivalrous and caring and honourable and... I could go on. I also can't wait until Jem grows up (not that that will every happen but still...).
12. The Flash. The world's best superhero who I've been in love with since I was a kid. He's not a pansy like Superman or moody like Batman, he's funny and just plain awesome.
13. Batman. His moodiness is sexy.
14. Pagan from Pagan's Crusade (and the rest of the series). Pagan's hilarious commentary is all I need. I could listen to him all day and happily would, if I got the chance.
15. Martin the Warrior from the Tales of Redwall. So what if he's a mouse?! He's awesome!
16. While we're in the "not-exactly-human" area I'll also mention Nawat Crow from Tricksters choice who was a crow-turned-human
17. And the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. He's so charming and if I were a Disney princess I'd definitely be Belle
18. Artemis Fowl from Artemis Fowl (of course). He's smart and kinda evil, nice with a bad side, and still hot!
19. Demetri from Anastasia. So what if the movie wasn't historically accurate? I love Disney movies and Demetri was gorgeous
20. Indiana Jones. He's an archeologist and he's hot, what more could I want?
21. I'm probably also going to have to add Edward Elric from Full Metal Alchemist to this list because that automail is really sexy and I love the way he cares for his brother. In fact, add Alphonse Elric as well.
22. Peter Pan, because I'd love to fly away with him to Neverland
23. Dustfinger from Inkheart. That's all I need to say; Dustfinger.
24. The Terminator! That was a joke.
25. Fang from Maximum Ride. Silent, brooding, badboymojo type whose also can be all kind and caring
26. I'd like to add where's Wally just so I can make a joke about him playing had to get.

That's all for now but this list will probable get updated. I really look forward to your replies.

INGSOC

Forgotten Bookmarks

So I wouldn't normally rant about another blog but the blog of note a few days back, Forgotten Bookmarks, is one of the most wonderful websites I've ever seen. He works in a secondhand bookstore and posts all the different bookmarks he finds in the old books, things like letters and postcards and photos. It reminded me of all the little post-it note messages I leave in school texts and library books; things like how the finder will never finish Great Expectations and how Romeo and Juliet is the sookiest attempt at a love story ever.

Forgotten Bookmarks had me just about ready to give up school and my dream of museum curator in favour of a secondhand bookstore. It's funny really, it's the second time I've had such an urge, the first after watching Bernard on Black Books. There's something wonderful about English comedy.

I think I'd be happy in a secondhand bookstore really, it combines the two things I love most, old things and books. And I just love the romantic appeal of finding forgotten things within the pages of a book. Right now you have no idea of who romantically wild my imagination is running.

Oh well, I guess I'm being silly really, but wouldn't a simple bookshop offer such an uncomplicated and trouble-free existence?

What do I wish for most?

What do I wish for most?

For fiction to be real.

I want Holden Caulfield and Peter Pan and Neverland. I want fantasy kingdoms and good versus evil.

I want a world that doesn't exist in reality.

And that's what sucks with being such a romantic.

If I have to be Joan Wilder can't I be her in the second half of Romancing the Stone, after she's met Jack?

Again, my fiction world doesn't exist in reality.

To Laura, my avid reader

This is a response to a comment from Laura. I decided to post it rather than just comment because I felt like it. No one lecture me and tell me how to use my computer. This is directed at you, Chairman.

Laura,
Yeah, I have read Catcher in the Rye. That's the book my beloved Holden Caulfield is from. Yeah, I know, Weird, I'm in love with a fictional character.
Personally I don't think it is really a problem that I'm in love with a fictional character, I'm basically living in a fantasy world.
Catcher in the Rye is probably one of my favourite books (second only to Tales From Outer Suburbia by Shaun Tan. Yeah, I know, a picture book).
When you asked if I'd read it did you want a plot summery or something or just me telling you about how totally awesome, kick-ass, insane, funny and gorgeous Holden is?
Anyway, what's King Dork like?

1984

I'm really into 1984 at the moment (5 chapters into it...). It's just really engaging and interesting and Winston is a very real character. Not that I would be able to get along with him. He's no Holden Caulfield, if you know what I mean... oh dear Holden my beloved... huh? Oops. Got a little distracted there. Uh, where were we. Oh yeah. 1984. Winston just strikes me as a real type of guy, with his bad knee, or was it back? and how he doesn't like needing to use his hands and so forth.

Anyway I'm really enjoying 1984. And as Neil Grant said on Inside-a-Dog "I would switch on Big Brother if George Orwell (author of 1984 and creator of the original Big Brother) rose from the dead and gave Gretel Killeen a hard time."

Did Jane Austen Create Me? ...Damn...

I am Catherine Morland of Northanger Abbey! I love a good Gothic romance - so much, in fact, that I'll fool myself into thinking I'm living one! I am imaginative and naive, which is at once endearing and perplexing. Perhaps my heart is TOO pure...but it is adventurous. After all, I love a trip to Bath or a stay at an ancient Abbey

Could be me, could be...

Great Expectations pt. 1

I haven't been around lately, forgive me. I've been lacking inspiration and time due to school work. So I've decided to combine the two together and blog about Great Expectations and my reading experiences.
I'm already about twelve chapters into it, but here's what I knew before I started:

1. This book is thick!
2. This book is a classic (but I've never met anyone who likes it. Weird…)
3. It's about a kid called Pip (weird name).
4. At the beginning he's poor and alone and at the end he's still poor and alone.

So I hardly knew anything about the book, except that nothing progresses over its 555 pages. I assumed that there are some kind of events in the middle and just hoped that they were interesting. Fellow high-schoolers had not given me much to hope for.

So lets see what I've learnt:

Chapter 1
The narrator is this orphan, Phillip Pirrip, who has a ridiculous name so is called Pip instead, even though it's also ridiculous. He is looked after by his sister, Mrs Joe Gargery, who doesn't get her own name but instead has to share her husband's, the blacksmiths, name. That says a lot about a woman's place in society in the Victorian age. You'd think having a female ruler would do something for women's rights but no.
One day little Pip is in the churchyard at his parents grave and contemplating what they would have looked like as he never knew either of them. Also buried are his five dead brothers who died as infants. At least that's what I gather from Dickens ramblings.
As Pip muses over his dead family an escaped criminal suddenly appears and threatens to cut his throat!! (Does it sound like I made that up? Well, I didn't, that's really what happens).
The crim tells Pip that he has to get a file and wittles for him, whatever wittles is, or he 'ave 'is 'eart an' Liver out!
Pip promises that he will and the crook says that he'd better or the crooks friend, 'the young man', will come after him.
Pip's terrified so runs home to do what the crim said.

Prediction of what happens next:
Pip goes home and cries a lot - because he strikes me as a bit of a sook - yet still tries steals the intended objects - because he's a coward, so won't stand up against the crim - but his sister, the Mrs Joe Gargery catches him, he gets the scolding of a lifetime, sent to bed without supper, 'the young man' comes after him, kills him, and the book ends 525 pages too early.

To Neverland, if only...

I never really wanted to grow up.

If Peter Pan flew up to my window tonight I'd probably fly off with him without any second thoughts. I'd miss my friends and family but, if I remember the story right (which I sort of doubt), I could still visit. I wouldn't stay away forever, just until I'm ready to grow up.

Think about it, I'd be the first Lost Girl.

Ah, but there my imagination is running away on me again. I need to stop living in this fantasy world. Stop dreaming of running away to Neverland, falling under enchantments, and loving Holden Caulfield.

But I can't say I will ever want too...